Radical Honesty: What's the Point?

I spent 8 days examining this question with Brad Blanton, Ph.D. and 16 other people, including my husband, Daniel, and Jassy, my closest friend.

We were required to detox from caffeine before we went, and drank no caffeine there. The day began at 7:30 with yoga and meditation. Then breakfast. The workshop started at 10 until 1:30, with a break for lunch and rest until 4:30. Most nights it went from 4:30 to 11.

While each day offered a different focus, the exercises themselves were amazingly simple:

• Practice separating what is outside, what is happening in your body, and what your mind makes of both of these things.
  
• We practiced looking at another in pairs and saying "I notice" and "I imagine." The noticing was just the bare facts without interpretation. The "I imagine" filled in the rest. So for example "I notice your eyes, and I imagine they are beautiful." Simple, right?

What was interesting was just how difficult it was for me to keep it simple.

"I appreciate you for ..." "I resent you for ..."

The "practice" involved using two statements: "I appreciate you for" and "I resent you for." The words were carefully chosen: Appreciating you or resenting you kept it personal and specifically directed at the person I am talking to. The format was to first check inside my body, and to notice sensations that gave a hint of either a resentment or appreciation, and then to share it with the person using the "noticing/imagining" paradigm. Superlatives, exaggerations, adjectives, anything that made it "larger than life" were to be avoided.

I was interested in how unsatisfied I felt initially sharing a resentment in this format. Boy, I want to have REALLY GOOD justifications for resenting anyone, or else I wouldn't be "right" or "fair" somehow. They also had to be "rational." Having to keep my resentments and appreciations concrete really put a damper on self-righteousness. For example, I might say to Daniel "I resent you for the look on your face right now, and I imagine you are angry at me for what I said." So much less satisfying than "I resent you for being so smug, self-satisfied, and thinking you are right all the time!"

There was also something unsatisfying to me about saying "I appreciate you for saying 'That was a smart comment'," instead of "I appreciate you for being so understanding, warm and brilliant!" I became self-conscious of the exact nature of what I appreciated. Nevertheless, I felt very good at being told specific appreciations by other people.

Romancing the Mind

What occurred to me is that I've been trained to romance my mind. While I embrace cognitive therapy, and realize that I construct my own reality, this work forces me to get "up close and personal" with that mind of mine. When my statements of appreciation and resentment were put simply and concretely, I was able to notice how often these feelings were linked to earlier memories and experiences. I was able to see the pattern of positive and negative associations that govern my life and leave me "robotic" in response to whatever happens in my environment.

Something happens that triggers a positive association, and I "like" it. Something triggers a negative association, and I "don't like" it. In this way, the past "automates" me and I stop living fully in the present. That "face" that I might resent Daniel for making might have nothing to do with him. Instead, his expression may only trigger the face of a "significant other" from the distant past. His comment saying I was smart might (temporarily) relieve some fear I have of my own intelligence, also linked to past experience.

However, 'insight' is not what this model is aiming for. "Don't substitute understanding something for experiencing it" is the way Brad Blanton puts it. The goal is to experience the emotion in your body and to move through it. Blanton's roots are clearly with Gestalt therapy, and he did train with Fritz Perls. It shows. The emphasis on living in one's immediate experience, emotional expression, and being genuine shows through in all his work.

Futilitarianism

In this model, sharing appreciations and resentments are for my own benefit, not for the benefit of the listener. There is a distinct distrust for "reality" as an objective "truth." While I'm attached to my reality (as we all are), my goal is to be less attached to it as being an accurate representation of the "truth," (except as a necessary human construct.) He humorously calls himself a "futilitarian." It is futile to try to change one's basic human tendencies. The best we can hope for is to hold them "lightly."

The listener in this model hears what I say as my reality, not one they have to accept. The listener has the freedom to be are less defensive, as a result. They might even become curious about why I think that "crazy" way. If my goal is to experience the bodily sensations and move through them, I have less to "prove" about what I'm actually saying. "I resent you for" is no longer a demand for change on your part. It is a statement of bodily fact on my part. That bodily fact will kill me if I keep it locked inside, but if I put it into the public arena I can experience it and let it go. I will continue to process this resentment (and it does feel like "forever" sometimes, if the issue is 'hot,") until a change happens in my body. I start noticing a warm feeling, let's say, in my chest. I start associating that feeling to the way your eyes look at this moment. I vocalize that thought saying: "I appreciate you for your eyes." As these appreciations begin to flow from me, I realize that the resentment is no longer in my body and my Radical Honesty session is finished for the time being.

And what are you doing while I'm letting all of my resentments fly? Chances are, you have a few of your own resentment, and maybe more as I speak. You resent me for resenting you for what you said. You resent me for something I did that maybe you didn't realize you resented until this moment. You resent me for the tone of my voice, the words I'm saying, the way my hands are on my hips and my eyes. I resent you for the way you are breathing right now. The resentments sometimes get absurd. If I weren't so mad, I would laugh at myself. Then I do laugh at myself. We keep looking at each other in the eyes. This isn't something that can be done by telephone or IM. This is face to face, both feet on the floor, belly to belly. Physical violence is not acceptable. A "coach" who is trained in this model is sometimes valuable. It is an intense process, sometimes with lengthily sessions, and sometimes unexpected in what gets brought up between two people. Old, old resentments that have been buried beneath the rush of day-to-day living emerge. Deep anger that precedes adult experience arise. But always the experience is grounded in the present, in one's body, in the 'here and now.'

Tim the Septic Guy and Radical Honesty in Practice

Let me give you an example from my recent experience using this process. We had our septic cleaned out one hot, humid morning around 8 am. I was not dressed, and I Daniel went to meet the worker, we'll call him "Tim." Never having had a septic before, I thought that the way it was cleaned involved sucking out the stuff from a hole at the end of our driveway. I was surprised when Daniel reported that Tim couldn't find the spot. When I went outside, I found the grass in my front yard dug up. I tried to explain that if it were the "trap" he was looking for, I had found it myself one snowy December day when my basement began to flood with sewer water, and showed him the crude 'map,' drawn by the former owners, to find it.

Tim kept correcting me every time I used the word "trap" calling it something else I blocked from my mind. I found his tone of voice rude. After another 30 minutes, and more torn up grass, the 'trap' still wasn't found. Now Daniel was taking part in the digging, randomly tearing up patches and creating new holes. Again, I returned to the scene, and again I asked if they had used the map. "The map isn't accurate," was the only thing Tim said, gruffly. Over and over I repeated that I had used the map and found it while the ground was frozen and it was snowing. "Fine, lady. You find it." Tim said, and put down the shovel. And using the map I did find it, and pointed to the spot and said "Dig there." It was found about 6 inches from that exact spot, and I marched into the house, victorious but furious.

I would like to tell you that I approached Tim and did RH that morning, but in reality, I mouthed off to Daniel, instead. Maybe Tim heard me, maybe not, but before he left, he asked to speak to me. I went outside.

He started by apologizing, telling me this was his third house that day (remember, it was early morning) and it was hot. Because what I said to Tim was linked to something concrete he said, he could immediately understand me. I didn't say "You are a rude ignoramus who hates women and city people." I said "I resent you for the tone of your voice when you finally found the spot and said "Six inches might as well be 3 feet when you're digging," and I imagine you said that because I'm a woman and I'm from the city." I was madder than heck when I started, and felt pretty good when I ended. I felt pretty good about Tim. He felt good enough about me to draw a more accurate map, and to tell me that even folks who grew up in the country often don't know a thing about their septics, and men know as little about them as women. I learned quite a bit about septics that morning. Most of what I imagined about him was just that: my imagination. I could have kept my resentment inside and it would have made me feel lousy the entire day. I never would have hired a perfectly competent septic guy again, either, or learned about how people think about septic tank cleanout. I'll look forward to seeing Tim again, and if I have a septic problem, I'm sure he'll help me solve it.

The experience also allowed me to release some resentments against Daniel for not helping me dig up that frozen lawn three years earlier. That was resentment that was no doubt polluting our relationship in subtle ways, but unless you asked me, I wouldn't have even remembered it.

My point is, I started the conversation with Tim (and later with Daniel), all caught up in my head, and ended it pretty relaxed in my body in the here and now.

My body links me to the present!

My body would have been impacted by all the negative associations that my mind produced that morning. In my body, the pace of my breathing increased, my stomach acids increased, my blood pressure rose, and my pulse quickened (to name a few) in response to resentments. Repeated thousands of time, this chronic stress reaction creates illness and ultimately death. Each emotion has a bodily reaction, and these bodily reactions are "manageable" even if they are uncomfortable. These stress reactions make pain killers (legal or illegal) the most profitable business on earth.

The thought of confronting Tim made my stress reaction even greater, so I didn't march right out to confront him. I had many reasons why it would have been imprudent, but the truth was that when I thought about it I got more anxious, so I didn't.

Anger, joy, sorrow, surprise, fear, all have a bodily expression that becomes habitual. Each is triggered (with the exception of surprise) by a cognition. Each of us has habitual ways to cope with these stress reactions, some being more positive than others. I could have started drinking to "calm my nerves." I could have gone for a run or lifted weights. I could have eaten something or (what I did) yelled about it to someone else. Yet, what a surprise to find out that actually bringing it to the person I was angry at was the most effective. Even a perfect stranger.

Radical Honesty and Sex

In the same way, positive associations generate equally strong bodily reactions. I may not associate these reactions to the workings of my mind, however. I may, instead mistakenly assume that the other person "caused" them. Let's take sexual arousal as an example.

I am "kissed," and I feel sexual arousal. I say, as most of us would, that the kiss "caused" the arousal. Is that actually so? No. My mind took in the sensations of the kiss and coded it as a pleasurable sensation, and then my body reacted. The kiss itself has to be interpreted positively. The exact same tactile sensations following the statement "I've just crashed your car" would not result in arousal, at least to me.

I create my own arousal. I construct my own reality. My sexual partner's 'sexiness,' and my evaluation of his/her sexual attractiveness and skill, is also my own creation. My own 'sexiness' is equally my own construction. How sexy are you?

The Naked Truth

During another day, all of us got naked and one-by-one stood up in front of the group and told the group what we thought about our bodies and told our sex histories, all while being videotaped. I volunteered to be first. The next day, the videotape is replayed, one-by-one, and the person on the screen sits up really close to it, and talks about what they see, first at normal speed, and then in fast-forward. Wow! I move alot when I talk!

Those of you who have met me know that I would not be 'first pick' for the star role in a Hollywood romance. I'm fat. I'll be 50 soon. But I like my body and its been pretty good to me over the years. That came through when I stood up. Later participants, much younger and more "attractive" than I, stood up and were much more critical of their appearance, but I wasn't surprised. In survey after survey, a majority of American women (and a growing number of men) report a deep anxiety about their appearance, and this anxiety often negatively impacts them sexually.

The connections of this work to that of David Schnarch's work is clear to me. In both, owning one's own perspective and sharing that perspective with another person disrupts the symbiosis that causes problems. Unexpressed resentments cause emotional distancing. Withholding what negativity you think and feel blocks the awareness of the positive things you also feel. Too often couples will 'protect' each other from their 'truth' about their partner by divorcing them, instead.

Both are developmental models, not pathological models. Blanton appears to have a greater distrust for the workings of the mind, than does Schnarch. He also has a greater hope that in community people can help each other get less attached to being "right."

The workshop participants reinforced a simple message at the end of each day: "I'm not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you aren't in this world to live up to mine. If we get together, that's beautiful. If not, it can't be helped."

But it was more than self-focus. By the end, we did an exercise that focused on our life purpose and the kind of world we want to be apart of. You can find this exercise in "Practicing Radical Honesty" if you are interested. His first book, "Radical Honesty" is newly revised and published. You can find it on his website at www.radicalhonesty.com.